kimberliah…

1. Facebook doesn’t care about the little people.  Tom was my very first damned friend, on MySpace… He was my homie. We didn’t talk… like ever, but if we had I know he would have thought I was awesome.  Tom was just a swell guy, like that… he wouldn’t allow lame things to happen on his site.  If I had boisterously called out a dirty little plagiarizer, on his site… he would have applauded me!  He may have even sent her a message, himself… detailing how utterly lame she was. He absolutely never would have allowed a 24 hour banning of Kimberliah, on his site… He wouldn’t have been down for that shit, at all.  I’ll tell you exactly how long it took for me to receive a friend request from the much esteemed Mark Zuckerberg… as soon as he actually sends the damned thing.  I’ve been patiently waiting since I signed up on March 25 2008.  We’re almost going on 5 years here, Mark… time to step your game up.

2. I am convinced that Facebook has subliminal messages scattered throughout their many games.  I’ve never been much of a gamer… however all it took was one little cartoon farm and that damned Bubble Witch Saga to render me helpless.  I am now at the complete mercy of these games.  I sit my butt down at the computer with every intention of merely harvesting some of my 24 hour crops and possibly proceeded to level 137 on Bubble Witch Saga… the next thing I know I’m hearing music playing quietly, in the back of the house.  Upon further investigation I realize that the music is coming from my alarm, it is now currently 5:00AM and I have to go to work.  Mine has not been the only soul claimed by Facebook’s evil games… Hubs is in just as deep as I am.  Just this last weekend, while he was busy tending to his farm, I propositioned him for a little adult “fun” … He looked from me, to the glowing computer screen and quietly shook his head no.  I didn’t even attempt to argue… I know the lure of the games.  Who needs a vasectomy when you stay current in 5 separate Facebook games?

3. I don’t want to know your horoscope… yet, there it is, posted every freaking day onto my newsfeed.  I really don’t care what kind of day a Libra is going to have… I’m a fucking Aquarius!!!  I don’t want to see your progress on the various games.  Oh, you’ve managed to beat level 37 of Time City Cop Moms?  That’s awesome! Except guess what you’ve done there?  You’ve reminded me that I only need 2 more apples to make an apple tart and my apple trees are probably ready for harvest.  Thanks!  I was supposed to be making my real kids some kind of dinner and now I’m busy moving Cartoon Kim around my farm and listening to the ching-ching that the apple tart just brought in.
Good thing they know how to heat up some ramen.  I also don’t want to see any of your inspirational photos, especially the ones where the quote is written in extremely loopy calligraphy.  I’m not here to think.  I here to laugh and hopefully uncover some gossip before the original posters come to their senses (or sober up) and delete their crazy ranting posts….

4. Pre-Facebook, only the people who genuinely liked me would remember my birthday… that and those who’s own birthday’s fell on within a day or 2 of mine. However, now every-freaking body is wishing me a happy birthday, when that day arrives.  In the past you could weed out your “real” friends by simply paying attention to who brought you a little birthday balloon, to school and those who never included the phrase “Happy Birthday” into your small talk. The shunning of a friend who failed to pay notice to your day of birth was a huge deal for any kind of drama queen.  That could be a week-long affair in itself… But, you’ve taken that away from me, Facebook… now even the neighbor of MySpace Tom‘s mom’s friend of the family is wishing you a Happy Birthday.

5. There is no damned dislike button.  Do you know how bad that sucks when someone posts that they just got laid off… or their significant other was spotted getting extra friendly with their dog… or for anything the Westboro Baptist Cult posts?  I want to dislike that shit and move the heck on…. but do you give me that option, Facebook? Noooo! If I want to acknowledge their unemployment or what not, I have to suck it up and leave some half-ass comment.  Do you know what it’s like when you accidently “like” something that you did NOT mean to like?  Yeah, you can hurry up and unclick it but you’ll have that paranoid thought running through your head, wondering if your pseudo-like will show up in their updates…. and that wondering will eat away at you until you end up creating a fake profile, friend requesting your real profile, switching back to your real profile to accept the previously-mentioned friend request from your fake profile, switching BACK to the fake profile and hurriedly liking and unliking some random post on your real profile’s page and then finally switching back to your real profile to see if the false-like made it’s presence known in your updates.  I’m not going to let you in on this answer… you can go do all that damned work yourselves.  Just make sure you let me know what the outcome is…

So, there you have it… the top five reasons that I currently detest Facebook…. and while it might seem like I’m on the verge of leaving, I’m not.  No where close… I mean, if I left, who would take care of my cartoon chickens?

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