1. If an article of Hub’s clothing comes up missing and is finally found, 30 minutes later, in some weird random place where he actually admits to leaving it… it will still not be his fault. His temper tantrum will immediately dissolve, however he will NOT… and I repeat NOT apologize to one single person that he accused of having to do with its disappearance. As a side note… if you were within 10 feet of my house last night, around 5:00pm, than you were one of the accused.
2. “The Most Interesting Man in the World” is not going to just randomly show up at the restaurant, where I am having dinner with friends and wink at me from the entrance way. However, the cardboard cutout of “The Most Interesting Man in the World” is totally down to make an appearance and if I glance at him quickly enough, it looks as though he’s winking…. also, my friends are assholes for ridiculing me when I brought it to their attention. ALSO also… “brought it to their attention” is code for actually asking them if that’s a real person in the entrance way.
3A. Removing the bacon from my chef salad, almost caused one of my friends to disown me.
3B. The bacon from my chef salad fit perfectly inside an empty salsa cup… it was almost like it was meant to be.
3C. The bacon from my chef salad ALSO fit perfectly inside Hub’s tummy… he’s always there to take one for the team. *swoon*
4. Life can feel REALLY unfair when you have the smallest margarita at the table. Margarita-Envy is real… and it’s nothing to joke about. Avoid standing with your friends, while they’re holding their massive margaritas…. your tiny glass will only make you look fat, in comparison.
5. The best comedy shows will wait until the audience is properly liquored up, to begin… That start time on the flyer? Only an estimate, my friends…
6. Some women do not know simple public restroom etiquette. People… Quit using your damned phones, while you’re in the damned bathroom… I have a hard enough time trying to pee, just knowing that you’re physically in there at the same time as me… but knowing that the person you’re talking to can potentially hear me peeing, or flushing… or accidentally farting while I’m trying to pee… I just can’t do that. So, now I’m going to have to sit here… in this stall, awkwardly waiting for you to end you conversation. In the words of my newest YouTube obsession, Jenna Marbles … “PIPE THE FUCK DOWN!”
7. I am not a DJ, Hubs is not a DJ and my Sister in Law is also… not a DJ. If you can’t find the “play” button… you are not a DJ, either. If you are not the DJ, keep your ass on the dance floor… where it belongs.
8. Black-lights somehow manage to made bad dye jobs/bad haircuts look even worse… Whispering the previously mentioned “Pipe the Fuck Down” to the offending head of hair, every time you see it, will make you feel better about the situation… it will also make your friend, who it sitting next to you, decide to reclaim you after the bacon stand-off from earlier in the night.
9. My brother-in-law, Chuck Diesel, should really consider shaving his chest, next time we decides to wear a revealing dress. How are you going to shave your damned legs and ignore that carpet on your chest, bro?
10. If I fall asleep, without taking my fake eyelashes off… there is a very real chance that one of those eyelashes will somehow travel from my eyelid to one of Hub’s butt-cheeks, not to be noticed until the next morning. I know what you all are thinking and just stop it… I came home, ate some chili and went night-night… if that eyelash should have ended up anywhere it should have been found on a rogue kidney bean, next to the bed or something…
***I wanted to give special thanks to the show’s Headliner, Sam Ridley III for posting his own picture of The Most Interesting Man in the World’s cardboard cut-out, onto Facebook and for allowing me to both hijack the picture and place myself into the scene. Check this insanely funny guy out at either his Facebook Page or his YouTube Channel … Just make sure to tell him that He-Man sent you!
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