My Kid is an Asshole…
Dickie is an Asshole.
…and I’m not just saying that because I’m slightly hung over today or even because he has no clue what an inside voice is. He’s really just an asshole. He must get that from his father because I have little to no asshole blood running through these veins.
Wow.. I wrote that on August 13 2012 and just recently discovered it, hidden in my drafts. As of today I have absolutely no idea what had crawled up my own ass the day that those words were written. To be completely honest… Dickie was probably just being an asshole.
Looking at the kid, you wouldn’t readily assume that he’s an asshole. He’s cute enough and has a wide-eyed look of innocence to him. But, usually all it takes is about an hour with him… and you too will be mumbling that this kid is an asshole.
But…. Kiiiiiim! How could you call your own flesh and blood such names??? Bad Mom!!! BAD!
Oh! So, you have doubts that this kid could really posses the level of asshole-ery that I speak of? Sit for a while… Allow me to educate you.
1. When I’m trying to conversate with the kid, on the phone, he either gives me the complete silent treatment or bluntly asks “Please, I hang up on you now?” He should get extra points for using the word please… but, he doesn’t… ’cause he’s an asshole.
2. He takes his father’s side regarding EVERYTHING. We could be on opposite sides of the room, with Dickie in the middle. I could be holding a prized chocolate milkshake while Hubs merely has 3 green olives, in his palm. Dickie would momentarily forget that he claims to be allergic to green olives and do a mixture of the Shuffle and some generic white boy dance moves over to Hubs… who is in his corner of the room mirroring Dickie’s white-boy dance moves. It would be cute if the both of them weren’t big old’ foaming assholes! Dickie would then devour the hated green olives and bravely smile as he flees to the bathroom to puke. I would be left holding the prized milkshake, until the 2 of them gang up against me… commandeering the milkshake from my angry grip.
3. He flat-out refuses to lift the toilet seat, while he’s peeing. This wouldn’t be such a huge problem, to me… except for the fact that we are all currently sharing one bathroom. If the seat looks dry, it’s actually sticky… There’s nothing quite like knowing that your naked thunder thighs are sticking to your 7-year-old son’s dried urine. It makes me want to puke in my mouth. A lot. If it’s not dry… it’s DRENCHED! Somehow the toilet seat has more pee balanced on top of it than there is actual water in the bowl… and it’s just sitting there staring at you. Those 37 squares of toilet paper that you just hastily grabbed aren’t going to be enough protect your precious hands. Nice try though…
4. He uses his speech impediment against me. Have you ever been told off by someone who both stutters and has trouble pronouncing quite a few words. How do you defend yourself from THAT verbal attack? Are you even 100% sure of what he said? He used his “angry tone” but when a sentence starts out with someone repeating the word “I” 13 times…. finally drawing the last “I” out to make it a good 20 seconds long… where do you even go from there? By the 7th “I” I’m already cozily nestled into my happy place listening to elevator music while watching him angrily flail.
5. Dickie is not only an asshole… he is a sneaky asshole. He will come up to me, brimming with hugs and love and telling me what a beautiful Momma I am. I am that sucker who falls for it every time. After he is done placing the smokescreen in front of my eyes, the house will grow quiet. While this should normally be cause for alarm… I have been momentarily hypnotized by his affections. When I finally snap out of my moment of silence, the hunt for Asshole Dickie begins. He’s always up to something… whether he’s attempting to shave his thighs, eating the middle bite out of all of the bologna slices, hiding in a closet while playing Bike Race on my highjacked iPhone or spraying kitchen cleaner all over our vehicles… it always turns out bad, for me.
Welcome to my life… where my kid is officially an asshole.
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