My Kid is an Asshole…

Dickie is an Asshole.

…and I’m not just saying that because I’m slightly hung over today or even because he has no clue what an inside voice is.  He’s really just an asshole.  He must get that from his father because I have little to no asshole blood running through these veins.

Crazy Dickie

Wow.. I wrote that on August 13 2012 and just recently discovered it, hidden in my drafts.  As of today I have absolutely no idea what had crawled up my own ass the day that those words were written.  To be completely honest… Dickie was probably just being an asshole.

Looking at the kid, you wouldn’t readily assume that he’s an asshole.  He’s cute enough and has a wide-eyed look of innocence to him.  But, usually all it takes is about an hour with him… and you too will be mumbling that this kid is an asshole.

But…. Kiiiiiim!  How could you call your own flesh and blood such names??? Bad Mom!!!  BAD!

Oh! So, you have doubts that this kid could really posses the level of asshole-ery that I speak of?  Sit for a while… Allow me to educate you.

1. When I’m trying to conversate with the kid, on the phone, he either gives me the complete silent treatment or bluntly asks “Please, I hang up on you now?”  He should get extra points for using the word please… but, he doesn’t… ’cause he’s an asshole.

2. He takes his father’s side regarding EVERYTHING.  We could be on opposite sides of the room, with Dickie in the middle. I could be holding a prized chocolate milkshake while Hubs merely has 3 green olives, in his palm.  Dickie would momentarily forget that he claims to be allergic to green olives and do a mixture of the Shuffle and some generic white boy dance moves over to Hubs… who is in his corner of the room mirroring Dickie’s white-boy dance moves.  It would be cute if the both of them weren’t big old’ foaming assholes!  Dickie would then devour the hated green olives and bravely smile as he flees to the bathroom to puke.  I would be left holding the prized milkshake, until the 2 of them gang up against me… commandeering the milkshake from my angry grip.

Olive Disaster

3. He flat-out refuses to lift the toilet seat, while he’s peeing.  This wouldn’t be such a huge problem, to me… except for the fact that we are all currently sharing one bathroom.  If the seat looks dry, it’s actually sticky… There’s nothing quite like knowing that your naked thunder thighs are sticking to your 7-year-old son’s dried urine.  It makes me want to puke in my mouth. A lot.  If it’s not dry… it’s DRENCHED!  Somehow the toilet seat has more pee balanced on top of it than there is actual water in the bowl… and it’s just sitting there staring at you.  Those 37 squares of toilet paper that you just hastily grabbed aren’t going to be enough protect your precious hands. Nice try though…

4. He uses his speech impediment against me.  Have you ever been told off by someone who both stutters and has trouble pronouncing quite a few words.  How do you defend yourself from THAT verbal attack?  Are you even 100% sure of what he said?  He used his “angry tone” but when a sentence starts out with someone repeating the word “I” 13 times…. finally drawing the last “I” out to make it a good 20 seconds long… where do you even go from there?  By the 7th “I” I’m already cozily nestled into my happy place listening to elevator music while watching him angrily flail.

5. Dickie is not only an asshole… he is a sneaky asshole.  He will come up to me, brimming with hugs and love and telling me what a beautiful Momma I am. I am that sucker who falls for it every time.  After he is done placing the smokescreen in front of my eyes, the house will grow quiet.  While this should normally be cause for alarm… I have been momentarily hypnotized by his affections.  When I finally snap out of my moment of silence, the hunt for Asshole Dickie begins.  He’s always up to something… whether he’s attempting to shave his thighs, eating the middle bite out of all of the bologna slices, hiding in a closet while playing Bike Race on my highjacked iPhone or spraying kitchen cleaner all over our vehicles… it always turns out bad, for me.

Dickie Make-up

Welcome to my life… where my kid is officially an asshole.

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  • Darcy Perdu

    Ha! Eating the middle part out of all the bologna slices! That’s a CLASSIC!!

  • Megan Lewellyn

    HA! Love it!

    My kids are constantly telling ME I am inappropriate, informing that “normal moms” don’t act and talk like I do. My only response is “who the fuck is normal?” Just stumbled upon you blog, but definitely adding it to my blog roll. Although I find that MOST of what I blog about is the shit that happens because of my MS, occasionally I manage to remember that I DO have three kids, and write about life as an “inappropriate mom.”
    Cheers!

    Meg@bbhwithms.com

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  • Rob

    My son is an asshole too. And to all the experts out there, I’m a physician and my wife is a social worker. My other two kids are perfect. The kid was born an asshole, and will no doubt remain an asshole.

  • http://guapola.wordpress.com/ El Guapo

    On the bright side, maybe he’ll have kids just like him, and one day call you with profuse apologies!
    El Guapo recently posted..An Iconic Birthday! (Bigger than Arbor Day, Even!)My Profile

    • http://kimberliah.com/ kimberliah

      One can only dream, right?

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  • The assholes dad who is also an asshole

    Hey L good thing you dont know me because I pee in random places all the time. I’m also pretty sure my 7 yr old son has better grammar than you. BURNED

  • L

    My coworker and i stumbled on ur page and ur a horrible parent. How dare u post this on the net. I hope child services tracks u down.

    • http://kimberliah.com/ kimberliah

      Calm down, sweety… Based on the way you write, I’m going to guess that you are probably an asshole too. Child Services? Are you serious? Oh, wait let me type this so you can understand it… R u serious? LOL Thanks for the laugh…

    • anns martin

      Oh my word are you for reals? Get a life.

  • http://www.myhalfassedlife.com/ My Half Assed Life

    Oh I can so relate. Mine are now 21 and 17 – and still most of the time they’re assholes.
    My Half Assed Life recently posted..Toilet TravestyMy Profile

    • http://kimberliah.com/ kimberliah

      I try to fight it by being an asshole, myself ;)

  • http://sharon-moms-madhouse.com/ Sharon

    BWAHAHAHA!!!! I have six kids, five are boys, and that “biting the middle of the bologna” and shaving his thighs thing is FREAKING HILARIOUS! Gurl…I soooo get it!!!
    Sharon recently posted..Unless It’s Broken, Leaks Or On Fire…It Ain’t New YearsMy Profile

    • http://kimberliah.com/ kimberliah

      …it makes me sad because that’s the best part of the bologna :(

  • http://anotherjennifer.com/blog another jennifer

    Seriously. Why can’t boys lift the seat before they pee? It’s amazing where I find pee in their bathroom. Luckily, they have their own!
    another jennifer recently posted..Philanthropy Friday: 3 Easy Steps to Becoming a PhilanthropistMy Profile

    • http://kimberliah.com/ kimberliah

      I honestly have to wonder if they have ever mananged to pee inside the toilet…

  • Ernie Flanders

    To funny, but he keeps you on the go, lol

    • http://kimberliah.com/ kimberliah

      …and I aspire to keep him on HIS toes, as well! ;)

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  • Melanie Kabo

    At least he’s cute!

    • http://kimberliah.com/ kimberliah

      One of the cutest! :)