My Average Day at Work…
On any given day, at work, I can chew through at least 20 pieces of gum. I’m not exactly sure why I take the gum chewing to such extremes, while on the clock… Perhaps it keeps me from ripping people’s eyeballs out of their heads… either that or it’s the only way that I’ve found to keep myself from eating for 10 straight hours a day… Have you ever tried to consume a Pop Tart while chewing gum… the outcome will not be favorable to you. At all.
On any given day, at work, you can find me huddled in my cubicle with my ear buds nestled into my ears. I learned many moons ago that if people see you have ear buds in, the chance that they will attempt conversation is low. The likelihood that I actually have anything playing, while the ear buds are in position… 5%
On any given day, at work, I will complain about the distance to the bathroom at least 7 times. These complaints will also spill over to the drinking fountain, which is right next to the bathroom… and the vending machine, which is right next to the drinking fountain… and our microwave, which is right behind me. Swivel around AND scoot 1 foot forward? Ain’t nobody got time fo that!
On any given day, at work, I will be tricked into saying the word “birthday”, at least once, because apparently I say it funny. My pronunciation of that word makes people clap their hands together and squeal with glee. The clapping of their hands and squeals of glee make me grumble and glare. Some days I can be tricked multiple times.
On any given day, at work, you can find me shivering in my cubicle, adorned with a camouflage Snuggie and fingerless gloves. This occurence is mostly seen during the summertime, when the AC vents are practically shooting snow onto our cube land. This occurence can also be seen during the winter when the indoor climate control Gods decide to humor us by keeping it colder indoors than it is outside.
On any given day, at work, you can find me crying big fat alligator tears in the ladies restroom. These tears are most likely caused by me accidentally rubbing off the middle of one eyebrow, while changing into workout clothes. These tears are less likely the product of the bloat caused by too much damned fiber in my oatmeal…
On any given day, at work, you will hear me exhale every cuss word known to man-kind the second I hear my desk phone begin to ring… If you hang around longer you’ll realize that 95% of my daily phone calls are from Hubs… 4% are calls made by Dickie, who has stolen one of his brother’s phones… and the last 1% are business related but they dialed the wrong extension.