My Open Letter to the Human Race (and animals and birds and anything else that may be directly affected by my careless actions):
I am writing this letter to express my sincerest apologies. Please know that this letter it heartfelt and it truly pains me to have to reach out to you all regarding this matter. I have a confession to make. This is a confession that could drastically alter your feelings towards me and for that, I’m sorry. I have to be a woman and own up to a HUGE mistake that I made. A mistake that will ultimately be the end of life as we as we know it (probably) A mistake that could, in all honesty, be corrected… if the Hubs didn’t have my car today. A mistake that would be recorded in textbooks on every continent (being that there were still going to be continents after this fiasco) My friends, I have realized… as of this morning, that I failed to purchase a 2013 calendar for my kitchen. While this may seem like no big deal at first, let’s really think about this… The Mayan’s calendar ended just a short bit ago and there were A LOT of people freaking out. Declaring Doomsday and stocking up on body wash and shit… December 21 2012 had people in an uproar, I mean, even the government put out a video… trying to calm the worriers. Luckily that day came and went and the only apocalypse that I witnessed was that of a colony of ants who were attempting to move into my kitchen. Brought those suckers to their little ant knees! RAWR! Whoa… well, I’m getting off topic here. So back to my mistake… Allow me to show you Exhibit A.
There. Is. Nothing. Following. December… except a brick wall! I believe that could be a sign! Life as we know it is about to hit a brick wall… What? You’re gonna trust that Mayan Calendar, but you can’t trust mine? Well, I’ve predicted a LOT of things already.. just so you know! I predicted that the gallon of milk with the funky odor coming from it was sour. I predicted that my flat iron was never going to work again after it failed to turn on one morning. I even predicted that a man would be elected President, during the last elections! Are you a little bit worried now? I know I am…
I’ve already gotten to work this morning; on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter… attempting to spread the news and hoping that we can make peace with those Doomsday Preppers that we’ve all been making fun of… so hopefully they can share their shit and let us hang out in their bunker and stuff. Exhibit B anyone?
Now, I don’t want to get you all any more worried than you already might be… but, I promised myself that I was going to be 100% honest with everyone, regarding this dire situation… These warning posts have been up for an hour already and there has been NO government rebuttal, telling the masses to remain calm! Nothing! No tweet, No Facebook update and sure as hell no video with cool graphics… No news isn’t always good news my friends. I suspect that the government has taken heed of my postings, realized that we are all in imminent danger and are currently securing the President and crouching in their own bunkers.
Take this as you want to… Ignore it as you choose to… But when there is no 12:01AM, don’t say I didn’t try to warn you…
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