How to be a Successful Blog Troll…
When you venture out to create a public blog, you have to be prepared for the random negative comment. These comments can range from subtle creative criticism to the type of verbal abuse usually reserved for them “red-headed step-children” To date, I have only received 2 comments, on this blog, that I would perceive as negative. The first inspired me to create the “Feed the Haters” tab, at the top of my page…. and the second, well the second I received yesterday, on my post “My Kid is an Asshole”
I regret to inform our dear “L” that this well thought out comment did not have the desired effect on me. I did not feel shame. I did not second-guess publishing that post. I did not even seek out Dickie and offer an apology. Truth is, I laughed. I honestly pointed my index finger towards the comment and allowed the laughter to fall out of my mouth loudly. I laughed so much that at one point I found myself unable to breathe and had to walk away from my computer, to attempt to compose myself. I laughed so much that I ultimately ended up sending the comment to some of my friends, via email… so that they could laugh heartily also. Ultimately, I broke down and replied…
This morning, after I awoke, I began to feel something different for my wanna-be Comment Troll. The belly-laughs were replaced with compassion. This had to be one of THE worst attempts at Comment Trolling that I had ever seen. EVER! How embarrassing for our poor “L” I decided this afternoon that I would attempt to put a little tutorial together for “L” and any other aspiring Comment Trolls… I might not be able to save them all… but, maybe I can touch just one.
1. Do NOT use only 1 letter as your “name” That is freaking LAME! Pick a bad-ass name, yo! This is your time to shine, Comment Troll! The possibilities are virtually endless! You could be “The Ear-Wax Amputee” or “Aging Mutant Ninja Gerbil” or even “Slightly Unedu-ma-cated and Proud” Have some fun with it, damn it… Make us Bloggers think you actually have some functioning Brain Cells.
2. For the love of all things remotely Holy…. read the damned post. Actually read it. If you physically can not read it find someone you trust and have them read it to you. If THEY can not physically read it to you… consider going out to find some new homies… preferably at least one that graduated high school. Once you have intellectually ingested the post, roll it around in your brain a few good times. Sometimes things are not as they first may appear and 95% of the time that is because you’re kind of a moron. Give yourself a fighting chance, Comment Troll. Your current mission is solely to break down your average Blogger. Rushing to the gate and throwing some Gobbledy-Goop at them will not inspire the dejected tears that we know you are hoping for. Read. Think. Comment.
3. Compose your comment in the Blogger’s native language. Use REAL words… No one is going to take you or your shitty opinions seriously when you abbreviate the life out of your simple thoughts. Need a quick tutorial… u=you, ur=your and when you refer to yourself as “I”… fucking capitalize that shit! Not that I really think you’re important enough to deserve that capitalization… but who am I to argue with the rules of basic English? Long story short… it you are going to attempt to berate someone it helps to sound as though you possess SOME level of intelligence. You can tell a lot about a Comment Troll by their spelling…
4. Before you publish that comment, make SURE it is relevant to the blog you are posting it to. My above mentioned wanna-be Comment Troll made a little wish that involved Child Services “tracking me down” Does my wanna-be Comment Troll REALLY believe that Child Services are going to be bothered with some random Blogger who referenced her son as an “asshole” In all honesty, they would probably give me a pat on the back and a coupon for some free French fries at Del Taco… I think the world would be a better place if more of us called out our asshole children. You can’t just let that shit go… not on my clock. As Sweet Brown would say… “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
5. Do NOT get all bent out of shape when the Blogger replies and verbally rips you a new hole in your anus. Bloggers write…that’s what we do. I wouldn’t go into a gym and start telling all the muscle-heads how their working out wrong and accusing them of steroid use… My keyboard would not be able to defend myself in that situation… just as your poor communication skills will not allow you a likely win against your targeted Blogger. If you’re going to dish it out, be prepared to have that shit force-fed right back into your mouth.
…and there you have it. 5 easy tips to assist the weary Comment Troll. Enjoy, Assholes!
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