Don’t feel like reading all those words down there… Watch the video, below!!! Complete with dolphin sounds!
Some people manage to live the entirety of their existence without ever obtaining the satisfaction of knowing what their true purpose on this Earth was… I am excited to report that I am no longer included in this group of people! A few weeks back, I received the schooling of a lifetime. Usually when people are trying to explain something new to me, I’ll just nod my head a lot and echo the last 3 words of every 5th sentence they say. Counting those damned sentences is actually a big part of why I can’t seem to focus in on what they’re telling me. I’m too busy waiting to hear those damned periods and exclamation marks. But, a few weeks ago I heard 3 simple words that would change everything. 3 words that I never knew could be used in the same sentence. 3 words that inspired confusion, intrigue and fear…
Dolphin Rape Caves…
Two complete Bud Light-fueled hours were spent discussing this subject. As my friend packed up to leave for the night, I made a solemn slurred vow to investigate this topic further. I stumbled into my room and slumbered hard… dreaming of everything, under the sun, except Dolphin Rape Caves.
5 long days would pass before I remembered my promise. Luckily I was near a computer…. so I Googled and I Googled and I Googled. As I reached the end of the internet, I knew my purpose. I had a reason to be here on this Earth and I’ll be damned if I wasn’t going to fulfill it! I could not rest until every single breathing soul had been taught the danger that is the Dolphin Rape Cave. No one was safe.
I’m going to kick off your schooling by clearing up the one biggest misconception about the Dolphin Rape Caves…. Dolphins are NOT… I repeat NOT the ones being violated inside these Rape Caves. Forget every cute little dolphin TV show you’ve ever seen… It’s all an elaborate cover-up, to hide the ugly truth. You see, apparently male dolphins have a penis that somewhat resembles Andre the Giant’s arm. The entire arm… not just from the elbow down and shit… all of it…. um, probably without the fingers though. Like seriously, from the way it was described, I envision the dolphin’s penis to be bigger than the actual dolphin and it would have to detract like one of those toy light sabers from Wal-Mart. So all these male dolphins and their monster peni roam around in gangs… looking to fuck some human’s day up. They do NOT discriminate. Male… female… they really don’t give a damn. The one sentence that I read which stood out the most to me… and has been haunting me since it first entered my brain is “a hole is a hole” That is seriously their mentality… boy hole, girl hole(s), belly button…. They’re evil enough to violate it all…. with their stupid, freakishly large penis.
So here’s the set up… from what I’ve read. Some random human is frolicking in the ocean…. splashing around, having a damned good time. Oh, here comes a small group of adolescent male dolphins! How special that random human must be! Dolphin are awesome! Oh! Look! Now the dolphins are swimming in a circle around that random human! This is like a fucking Disney movie! Hells yes! Wait. Are the dolphins… chanting? Why is the sky darkening? Where is that creepy music coming from? Who am I asking these questions to?
WHOA!!!! Did I really just see Andre the motha fucking Giant’s arm shoot up from the restless waters surrounding that random human? What the… HE JUST PUNCHED THE RANDOM HUMAN IN THE FACE! Andre the Giant’s arm just totally cold-cocked that random human! Why is Andre the Giant swimming with these damned dolphins anyways? Who the hell invited him? Oh, wait…. that dolphin just leapt into the air… over the random (slowly drowning) human and that arm type thing seems to be attached to his penis… Oh, shit! That IS his penis and it just bitch slapped the random human again! Why? Why would Flipper need to carry around all that bullshit? Shit… What’s going on now? Random human appears to be wearing the dolphin peni, as a belt! RANDOM HUMAN!!! You don’t NEED a belt! You’re wearing swimming attire, you idiot! Oh, wait…. random human’s face is showing fear. I’m beginning to suspect that the dolphin penis was NOT placed around their waist, consensually! Hey, you fucking dolphin! No means no, bitch!!!
…and down they go. Legend states that there are clusters of Dolphin Rape Caves located worldwide… ummm… underwater and stuff. Apparently these fucked up dolphins drag their victims down to the nearest Dolphin Rape Cave and proceed to take turns having their way with them. 107% of the victims are never seen again.
So, yeah… forget all that dolphin brain-washing you’ve grown up with and absorb the truth.
Dolphins are complete sadistic assholes! If you want to swim with “something”… you should probably go swim with a couple of goldfish, or something…
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Sickos have been known to keep dolphins in pools and small ponds. Fresh water dolphins have been known to lurk in the Amazon, Hudson and Mississippi. This is no laughing matter. We must all band together to stop the atrocity that is dolphin rape.
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Researchers at the Dolphin Research Institute in Boca Raton, Florida have come up with a decoy program where human decoys fitted with a tracking device are thrown into open water. Like an eighteen year old coed getting drunk for the first time at a frat party, the dolphins convince the decoy they “just wanna talk,” and drag their victims to a designated “rape cave.” Based on the feedback from the tracking devices dolphins most likely have a phrase similar to “let’s run a train” in their native tongue. At some point during or post gang bang, the decoy is torn apart. It is not known as to what they do with the remains but I would not be surprised if dolphins figured out how to utilize a skin suit. The scariest part of dolphin rape? They have prehensile boners that can grab you. It’s only a matter of time before they use this wonder of nature to walk on land in search of more victims.
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