kimberliah…

Blogger Idol, Week 2 Play-at-Home Prompt:

“Holy shit… How can that damned alarm ALREADY be interrupting my sleep? I seriously JUST closed my eyes, didn’t I?” 

I heavily swung my arm over to the alarm clock and danced my fingertips across the top… feeling blindly for the familiarity that is the Snooze Button. Once discovered, I ran my index finger slowly across the length of my Snooze Inducer.  “Damn it… I should probably just get my ass up.”  I swung my naked legs over the side of the bed and stretched my naked arms up towards the ceiling.  My limbs felt unusually heavy… “Greaaaat” I thought to myself… “The flu, again…. Geez, can a Mom catch a break, seriously?”   I propelled my resistant body from the edge of the bed and stumbled over The Beast, into the bathroom.  The light is quickly switched on and I immediately turn by face away from the cold glaring bulbs. This exact move is practiced 5 days a week and can now be performed without thinking. I carefully walk backwards to the toilet, careful to not catch a glimpse of the swinging death bulbs and plop my tired body down.  I stare down at my lap confused. There seems to be extra… stuff there.  I blink half a dozen times and glance, once again towards my lap.  It’s still there.  I slowly reach over to the countertop, never once taking my eyes off my lap.  I wrap my hand around Hub’s toothbrush and slowly bring it to my side. I poke at the stuff and feel a slight unfamiliar twinge of discomfort.  Shit… it’s attached to me!  What in the Hell is on my lap?  It almost looks like a…. No, it couldn’t be.  Women don’t have those!  I carefully stood as I continued to look down… well, actually, yes…  That is exactly what it is. I shook my hips a little, watching my newly acquired wiener and balls sway back and forth. What the… I slowly pivoted around and managed to break the staring contest I had with my new… junk. 

My eyes focused in on the mirror before me and slowly slid up and over my furry belly and complete lack of breasts, finally resting on my face… or someone’s face.  The eyes…. those eyes were mine, but that face… that shadow of a newly sprouting beard… those thickened eyebrows.  This was the face of a man.  I had gone to bed a woman… I was completely positive of that.  What in the world was going on? I had to be dreaming, this type of thing doesn’t happen in real life.  When the Hell was I going to wake up?  I couldn’t let Hubs see me like this… I had the body of a man, but I was pretty sure that I would still fight like a chick…. a chick that has just about zero fighting history to go on…. and Hubs didn’t have any hair that I could pull.  I would also have to allude The Beast.  The Beast was a huge supporter of Stranger Danger… and what was more “stranger” than me…. at that moment?  Shit… I quietly pulled a pair of yoga pants over my newly muscular thighs and slowly lowered the light switch.  I had to get out of this house before anyone saw me.  There was no explaining this. It was impossible.  As I quietly exited the bathroom and tip toed over The Beast, I realized that I was holding my breath.  I continued to clinch it inwards until I felt the back door securely close behind me.  What next?  I couldn’t stay home… I couldn’t go to work.  Where could I possibly spend the remainder of the day?

The last 2 months have managed to flash on by and life seems to have returned to normal.  I am, once again, fully woman and Hubs has just recently stopped inquiring about the day that I went MIA.  I only have 1 tiny reminder of the 24 hours I spent as a male.  I log onto the computer at work, briefly glancing around to make sure there were no curious eyes headed my way.  My fingers travel across the keys, familiar with their targets… and once again, there it is.  A somewhat blurry picture of an unshaven man… wearing nothing except a familiar looking pair of ill-fitting yoga pants… sitting next to the Ronald McDonald, at our local Wal-Mart.  So, thank you “People of Wal-Mart”… for the brief reminder that I really AM sane and that this crazy day really DID happen.