One Good Hangover Deserves Another…on August 25, 2012 at 1:21 pm
It’s completely normal to spend the day following your 4-year-old niece’s birthday party hung over, right?
It’s not like “Fuck my Life… I’m never going to drink again… Please find someone who can successfully administer a Powerade IV, stat” hung over, I’ve got class, damnit! It’s just kind of an annoyingly hung over type of feeling. My first instinct, once I woke up, was to attempt to throw my bounce-house battered body into the shower and wash the smell of Bub Light from my skin. I hate that stale smell of beer that seems to emit from your pores, following a night of drinking. I’ve tried to cuddle up to Hubs a time or two… and his pores must be huge compared to mine because that old beer smell has practically knocked me from the bed a time or two. Not good times. It’s all “Hey you sexy man-hunk guy, come here and let me cuddle up to you before…. OH FUCK! YOU FUCKING STINK HUBS!!! OH MY GOD! YOU NEED A FUCKING SHOWER!” … and throw a couple of dry heaves in there for good measure.
Once I successfully managed to hobble to the bathroom, utilize the toilet (how the heck can I pee for 3 straight minutes when I’m obviously freaking dehydrated) I finished checking out and pushing on all the new bruises I had acquired and I finally made my way into the shower.
OH HELL! TOO HOT! TOO DAMNED HOT! WTF IS WRONG WITH TODAY? EVERYTHING IS GOING TO SUCK FOREVER! …. Hey, is that another bruise? *poke*
I finally manage to get the water to an acceptable temperature and my skin was no longer melting off my body, trying to clog the drain. Shampooing went well, until I had to tilt my head back to rinse. The act standing up is ridiculous enough, when hangover… but, being in an upright position AND tilting your head back is torture. I truly believe that my eyeballs fell to the back of my head. At least that’s what it felt like.
After applying half the bottle of conditioner to my hair, I reached for my body wash. I knew before I even picked that bottle up that this was going to be the absolute worst part of my shower. That fruity little mixture that smelt so damned good in the bright aisles of Wal-Mart was completely overpowering to the nose attached to a hungover person. It’s like lemons, limes and flowers all floating around my steam-filled shower… while happily slamming me in a face, with some kind of medieval type flail thing… Apparently these lemons, limes and flowers have mutated and have arms and shit.
You know what fucking science really needs to work on? A hangover friendly body wash. One that smells like…. nothing. Or this hangover bodywash could have different levels, but instead of dry skin, oily skin, blah blah blah… It could go from mildly hung over (smells like breakfast burritos and bottled water) to FML hung over (smells like less than nothing, negative nothing… if “nothing” got hung over, this is the body wash it would choose)
I think I need to patent this shit… after I finish re-hydrating.