Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire…on August 10, 2012 at 5:00 am
If there is one thing I hate, more than anything else on this green Earth… it’s liars. I attempt to teach the children not to lie. I attempt to teach the husband not to lie. I lock The Beast in his cage when he’s caught in a lie…
Using the discipline scale of a time-out to an ass-whooping with a flip flop…. Lying will get you pushed through a glass door. An extremely dirty glass door, with streaky dog nose marks all over it. Yeah, it’s THAT freaking serious. I have practically stood on top of our roof and screamed to the heavens, regarding my hatred towards those that choose to lie. So, if you ever get stopped randomly on the street, and some stranger inquires whether or not you know what Kimberliah’s number 1 pet peeve is… kick them square in the face and/or nuts.
Come on!!! Strangers shouldn’t be just freaking stopping you in the street asking questions about me, yo. That shit’s kind of strange… Kick them in the face and/or nuts and RUN! Run AWAY from their general direction… do NOT run towards them because all you’re going to do is run straight into them and probably knock your uncoordinated ass to the ground. So to recap… Do not tell them I hate liars… I don’t know that stranger! Run away… don’t try to be a hero! Run until you find Forrest Gump. Stranger Danger, Yo!
So, in an awkward turn of events and to get this little story back on track… Guess who got caught in a dirty ass lie.
I’ll give you a hint… it was me.
WHAT THE FLUFF, KIM!!!! You have got to be kidding me!!! After all that shit talking and holier than thou bull-malark, YOU’RE going to admit that you WILLFULLY chose to allow a lie to depart from your lips?!?! It’s like I don’t even know you anymore…
The worst thing is, I was busted by one of the kids…. I think. He hasn’t admitted yet, that he knows… I suspect that he’s probably afraid of having The Beast thrown at him, as I attempt to defend myself. Not that I’ve ever thrown The Beast at anyone, to win an argument… that S.O.B. is freaking HEAVY!
It all started with an innocent shopping trip. I had taken Dickie with me for reasons I can’t seem to remember. He usually likes to tag along to see if he can swindle a Hot Wheels out of me… or an Icee. So, after completing the obstacle course, otherwise known as Wal-Mart, I decided that I’d treat my little dude to some Subway. As we stood in line, I heard the familiar ring of my phone… I picked it up and saw Anthony’s name on the display…. Shit! I hate when the other kids feel left out and shit. I finally summoned to courage to answer my phone and Ant merely asked where we were and what we were doing. Panic stricken, I glanced around Subway… knowing the other boys probably hadn’t eaten yet, I vaguely answered that we were at the store. I mean… it was sort of the truth. It was kind of a store… one that assembles sandwiches. The way he said “OK” unnerved me… He was able to draw out those 2 letters for far too long. As an after thought, I told him to go ahead and make himself some lunch and we hung up. As soon as the call disconnected, I realized that I had been busted. I quickly opened my Google Latitude App and pulled up my reported location. Subway. Eat Fresh you Dirty Liar!
Shit…I’m 99.789058% sure that Ant had looked up my location, before placing his call…. and if that’s good enough for Maury, then it’s good enough for me.