Battle lines have been drawn into the wrinkled carpet of mine and Dump Truck’s mega-cubicle. She who was once considered to be my work spouse, is now my enemy.
Our friendship was tested and began to slowly crumble yesterday, within an hour of arriving at Cube-ville. We would not see the true effects of the deterioration until much further into the day, though… when it would be impossible to turn back. Those damned battle lines are kind of heavy and a bitch to move!
Now, you may be wondering how a pairing that is so obviously “meant to be” can fall so fast… Well, to be completely honest… the internet did it! We began our morning, as we usually do… discussing our hatred towards our accumulated “chunk” and attempting to figure out what to do about it. DT excitedly was showing me a site, online, where we could register and count calories and track our attempts to exercise and all that fun shit. I was weary of the site… I’m barely capable of remembering to stay alive, let along writing out all my consumed calories…. and I know me. I’m a cheater. If I eat a brownie, the size of my head… chances are I’m going to “accidentally forget” to log it. Where you may see a bucket full of mashed potatoes, I’ll log it at half a cup… What? I just went poop? I’m SO going back to erase some stuff off my log!!! I have a bad tendency of lying to myself… about myself and this pisses OCD Brain off to NO end. OCD brain knows exactly what traveled from my mouth to my stomach and OCD Brain hates liars. Luckily ADD Brain is freaking schitzo as all hell and can man-handle ODD Brain into submission. LOL! OCD Brain is WAY pissed that I just typo’d ODD Brain. Mega-Pissed!
So, back to the website that I really didn’t want to join. Well, I joined it… but only because DT threatened to deduct “Street Cred” from my Street Cred Card, if I didn’t… Shit, I knew I should have never let her hold that damned card!
User-name- Check… Password- Check… Starting Weight- Damnit I hate this crap… Profile Pic- You’ve got to be kidding me… right?
So, I was officially signed up. As I sat in my chair and swiveled to and fro, I caught a glimpse of something pearly white…Hello iPhone! …and where there art iPhone… there art Apps! Diet Website Apps! Boo-ya!
I might be able to do this after alf!
All….. after ALL.
I played around with the apps and began logging my foods. Have I mentioned that I HATE logging my foods. I hate typing them… I hate finding them, in the 50 similarly worded choices that my search offers up. I just hate it. As I was fumbling around, attempting to type out the word scrambled eggs some thing caught my eye…
Bar-Code Scanner!!! Boo-Ya squared!
Bar-Code scanning is still new and fresh and not sucky, to me! I’ve been steady typing since the Oregon Trail days… I’m seriously over it. At that point I vowed to actively attempt to rock this App.
I hurriedly got the rest of my consumption for the day recorded and stared at the screen in shock. I only had 35 calories left… Like 3 tens and 5 ones. That’s all. I frowned harder than I’ve frowned in a while and went to lament to DT. She responded that same way I would expect any of my close friends to… by laughing at my misfortune. As the remaining hours of our work day ticked by, her torment continued. Every question/comment/song on the radio would be twisted, by DT, into a dig at my remaining 35 calories and I responded the only way I knew how… by making fun of her sub-par cell phone. She would rattle off a list of foods, that I could have for dinner… which were within my 35 calorie range and I would sing back her phone’s “Hello Hello Hellllo” greeting. At the height of our battle a plastic hanger somehow sprung from my innocent hand… imbedding itself into the back of her chair.
As we trudged towards the parking lot, following the final whistle of the day she screamed at me to enjoy my 35 calories to which I waved my smart phone back at her. Now, for anyone who lives in a 3rd world country or something and might not know…. 35 calories ain’t shit. I think I would rather have 0 calories.. rather than 35… 35 is just a tease. You could probably lick the top of a steak and end up over your 35 calorie budget.
So, I did what came naturally…
I ate everything could root up… and then felt bad. I even felt bad enough to force myself to run in place for a whole 20 seconds, before I got in the shower.
I knew I had to be honest with my new App… There can be no relationship without trust… So, I logged… and I logged… and I logged.
So, thanks DT… for introducing me to my own little piece of Hell.