The Real Girl’s Guide to Moving from Hosted to Self-Hosted…on June 27, 2012 at 7:08 pm
I knew it wouldn’t be simple… I’ve lived within my own head for the last 34 years, I know how I (mal)function… I’d be a fool to think that this task could be easy. So, I did what I was supposed to do. I attempted to prepare myself. Now, you have to understand… I usually blindly jump, ass first, into new projects. Enter the raging.. the tears… the flying projectiles. This time was going to be different. This was important.
So I Googled…. and I Googled…. and I Googled.
When the Hell did Google stop displaying articles written in English? Every How-To tutorial that I managed to click was completely NOT A.D.D friendly. My eyes would wander over the introduction… taking absolutely nothing in. It was almost like someone had written a clear, comprehensive paragraph… proofread it… made minor changes and then cut out each word, placed these individual words into a snow globe and shook it vigorously.
*My brain hurts*
Somehow, despite all my self-imposed handicaps… I managed to successfully move the site and I want to share with you step by step instructions regarding the REALITY of moving to a self-hosted site.
The Real Girl’s Guide to Moving from a Hosted Website to Self-Hosted
1. Browse the Internet to become familiar with the terminology. If you automatically think of that pretty little transgender woman from MTV’s True Life when you hear the word domain… you need to do some more research.
2. Determine the exact day you wish to make the switch. Keep in mind that anyone and anything within 50 feet of your personal space will be affected by the happenings of this day. Choose your date wisely.
3. When “The Day” arrives, wake your ass up early… and then get out of bed. You need to start the process early. As early as possible. It’s going to be a long emotional day.
4. Confidently type in the name of the hosting web site that was deemed to be one of the best, by your tallest male co-worker. Attempt to enter your information several times… after the 5th failure, calmly walk away and eat a bagel. Return to the computer and make 3 more attempts at entering your information. Pump your fist into the air multiple times and scream “Hell, yeah!” when your info finally takes.
5. Stare blankly at the resulting screen. Realize you have no clue what to do next or even how to explain what’s already been done. Randomly Google terms such as, “self-hosting for dummies” “hosted to self-hosted” “I’m stuck on a screen with a lot of little icons and don’t know where to go” and “Facebook” Continue this step for up to 2 hours.
7. Retreat in tears, to your bedroom… fling your computer illiterate self across your bed. Wallow in self-pity.
8. More Google. More YouTube. More nothingness…
9. Cross your arms on the edge of the computer desk and place your forehead onto them. Sob quietly into your forearms while staring at the hole in your sock. Loser sock, with your stupid loser hole.
10. DENY ALL ASSISTANCE! If assistance is offered be as overly dramatic as humanly possible. Flail your arms, bemoan how you’re an idiot and allow your eyes to fill with tears. Run into your bathroom and sit on the edge of the bathtub. Consider deleting the entire damned web site because clearly, someone as stupid as yourself doesn’t even deserve a web site.
11. Yell at your spouse. If your spouse yells back pull the victim card and charge towards your computer, while declaring that your “just going to delete the whole stupid web site.” Once you realize that your spouse is making absolutely no attempt AT ALL to stop you.. stop yourself! I repeat, STOP YOURSELF!!! Do NOT delete that web site.
12. Run to your bedroom, crying. Dive onto your bed. Pull everything that is laying on your bed, on top of you… blankets, pillows, random pets… all of it. After a moment, be sure to create an airway.
13. Walk of Shame back to the computer. When you realize that there is no one around to witness your walk of shame, go vacuum something.
14. Wander aimlessly around the kitchen. Open and close all the cabinets and drawers. Consider sweeping. Eat 2 cookies. Try not to take a defensive Karate Kid stance when your spouse re-enters the house…
and when your spouse informs you that they have already called one of their computer techie friends, do not resist… and make sure you mumble “thanks”
15. Clean the crumbs, dust, and tears off of the computer desk. Pace from the living room to the kitchen to the bedroom. Make a sandwich. Eat the sandwich. Re-clean the computer desk. Decide to go poop… just as you sit down, Techie-Friend shows up.
16. Allow Techie-Friend the luxury of the “big” computer chair. Perch next to him/her on the little, slightly broken computer chair. Hold your breath. If you can’t breath, you can’t talk… and all your computer knowledge-based inadequacies will remain somewhat veiled.
17. Spend next few hours watching Techie-Friend type, click and cuss under his/her breath. Refrain from flailing hysterically out of the room when he/she doesn’t discover the problem within the first 3 minutes. No flailing in front of the company.
18. Techie-Friend will declare the chosen hosting web site to be super-lame and not awesome. Immediately change to the other hosting site that your tallest male co-worker offered…. the one that actually has customer service.
Have Techie-Friend utilize customer service. Attempt to stifle your laughter regarding how INSANELY loud the CS guy types. Place Techie-Friend’s iPhone next to the keyboard and attempt to out-key the CS guy. Mis-type your password 3 time during loudkeyapalooza. Attempt to refrain from laughing each time the CS guys says “We’re gonna have to try to go in the back end” … but, he’s going to say it a lot… so, good luck with that.
19. Success. Kind of. CS guy needs to get off the phone… and might be tired of the incessant giggling, in the background. Techie-Friend needs to go home to eat some meatloaf and the remaining steps are supposedly easy. All you have to do is wait for your site to go down (WTF!!!!!), load something, import something and something else… It’ll be easy. Write it down, though.
20. Pay Techie-Guy with a large Coke icee and 2 broken laptops.
21. Click your site 59 times to see if it’s gone down.
22. Check 33 more times…
23. Site is down. Ignore that lump in the back of your throat and get to work…
Import Blog’s original data…
24. 2 minutes after your site goes down, your Internet connection will take a crap. The Internet people will claim it’s an outage. After 4 hours of your site being down and determining that the problem is your modem… your spouse will gallantly travel to Wal-Mart to purchase a brand new modem (after the Internet people get cussed out)
25. Install modem. Perform steps 2 and 3. Realize that you have NO clue what you wrote for step 4. Stare at step 4. Hold it at an angle. Place it 1 inch from your eyeball. Try to read it from the backside. Black-out and finish the process.
26. Go to your newly-moved web site. Your naked, theme-less web site.
Ugly isn’t it…