February 14, 2012
The official holiday of love and candy and flowers and crap
and cards…. a bunch of cards… for God’s sake, don’t forget the cards! This year, Hubs and I will be celebrating our 8th 7th wedding anniversary *calculator error* Considering the fact that some marriages aren’t even able to remain intact over the course of one week… I see this as an accomplishment
I believe that there is one major thing that keeps us together… It’s really quite effortless. Quite simply, I make him crazy. Everyday… It’s as natural as breathing. I’m feeling kind of generous, today, so I will share some of my secrets…
How I Drive my Husband Crazy
I refer to his beloved truck as a “car” …. pretty much every chance I get. That truck holds a larger chunk of his heart than I do… I will show it no respect
My car keys are in a constant state of lost-ness. … along with anything else I own that is not larger than a breadbox
I will ask the same question, or make the same statement, a minimum of 7 times a day. He will answer or respond each time… I blame it on age
I will ask the same question, or make the same statement, a minimum… Oh, crap…
I will try on an outfit and ask him if it looks ok… If he answers “yes” I will spend the next 15 minutes detailing, to him, everything that is wrong with it. If he attempts to leave the room, I will follow him and start over again, from the beginning If he answers “no” I will promptly remove myself from reality and remain, for 3 hours, in a somewhat comatose state, halfway under the bed…. crying
When he asks me to scratch his back or to put lotion on him, I will proceed to a level 1 temper tantrum… complete with throwing myself down and wailing that “I DON’T WANNA!!!” If he doesn’t choose to simply walk away, I will ninja-kick the bottle of lotion from his hands, from my position on the floor… If he does simply walk away, I will swiftly crab-crawl after him and then ninja-kick the bottle of lotion from his hands
It doesn’t matter whether it’s a 5 minute or 3 hour trip… if he has to drive me somewhere, I will spend the entire trip shrieking, pumping my imaginary gas pedal and flailing… He loves it when I do that… He’s never actually TOLD me that he loves it, but I can tell by the way he glares at me…
Every night, while he peacefully sleeps, I gently shave the front of his hair… or as he calls it his “receding hair line” … or as I call it his “invisible bangs”
I regularly use his razor… and his toothbrush…. and his socks… and his social security number
He detests vegetables and since I know how healthy and important they are, I make sure to hide them in everything that he consumes…. Yes, Dear… that was a pea in your beer
Every 3 weeks, I buy him a pair of jeans that are an inch longer than the previous pair… change out the tags and place them in his closet. He’s shriiiiinking
Now, be advised that I can’t guarantee these little gestures of adoration will work for everyone…
or anyone…
I guess that I’m just lucky, like that
Love you, Hubs…. Happy V-Day
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I think if you can ninja-kick a lotion bottle clean out of his hands from down on the floor in the crab-crawl position, you must have some other, more secret mad skilz that are keeping his full attentions
Ok, second post I’ve read in a row mentioning peas floating in beverages. Is there something you all aren’t telling me?
I came across your blog and found it full of personality. I just had a couple of questions so if you could email me back that would be great. Thanks!
Great post. So funny. Congratulations on the longevity of your marriage. May you two have many more years.